thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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