dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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