You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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