A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
