the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
