be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Randomize
