Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
A+ Viking dick
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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