you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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