Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
