I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
