So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
