I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
When are your genitals available?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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