I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
