If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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