my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
