I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
