Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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