Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
