At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
