Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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