should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
