wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
