help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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