You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
