I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
