How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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