I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
