I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I will pee on everything he values.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
