You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
