Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
