she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
