Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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