Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's blow job season.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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