Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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