hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
