i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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