I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
