I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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