Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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