It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Vodka?
Forever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
