omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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