I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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