my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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