My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
