i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
