Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
