so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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