Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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