I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
