Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
